Visitation Hours
by HerNamewasAlice
Summary: "I'm sorry, but your visitation hours are up." Despite knowing all the consequences, Kylo periodically climbs through Rey's window to visit her.
1. Visitation Hours

Visitation Hours

* * *

He crawls into her window like he always does, except he hasn't been doing this in two weeks. He's still dressed in his dark clothes, his mask. It's late at night, so he's quiet, not making a sound as he moves. His footsteps are light as if he was never there, as if he was a ghost. As if he was already gone.

It's dark, there's no source of light but he makes his way through for her. He passes the little table, the chairs. He passes her discarded shoes and makes way for the bed. She's in there, kept underneath the covers. She's asleep, with a frown laced along her face. He frowned but kept himself calm. Kylo leans down and runs his gloved hand over her matted hair.

"I know you're here," she breaths, her eyes still shut.

"When?" he asks. He murmurs.

"The second you came through my window," she opened her eyes at him, staring at him blankly. It's dark but she can still see him. Rey sat up and watched him as he settled himself on the bed. He sits in front of her so there's no other way for her to look.

"You sound disappointed," he says with an indifferent tone. He hides his sadness by not feeling anything at all.

"You usually come every few days," she countered, her eyebrows furrowing. She sees his hand make his way for her but she swats it.

"I didn't think you would miss me."

She can hear it, him smirking. "I don't," she said cruelly, gritting her teeth together. She clutches onto the bed sheets tightly, avoiding all types of contact with him.

"You're mad at me," he observes condescendingly, letting his voice settle in to her nerves. It startles her about how much he's on her mind and how much he was amused by it. He enjoys it, that bastard. He enjoys being stronger than her with this, with love.

"Of course I am," she snapped, raising her voice. She shouldn't be involved with him with everything going on but she is and she hates herself for it. She hates herself for submitting to her weakness. To his advances. Charms. Voice. Eyes.

Kylo leaned to hold her hand but she pushes him away out of instinct. No. This is wrong.

Instead of trying to hold her hand again, he remains quiet.

She winced from her actions, from his frozen response. She hates when he shows any sign of emotions. She hates when she hurts him and the complication of this, their involvement with each other. This was wrong but why did it also feel wrong to reject him?

"It's funny," she began, letting a sigh. She's confused. Angry. Hurt. She knows better but she doesn't want to follow through. "I've forgotten what we were fighting about two weeks ago." They hold grudges against each other and yet half the times they don't remember why. It's kind of funny and...sad. All at once.

"Me either," he whispered. He's calm because he knows he's at fault with this - with whatever they were fighting about. "I'm sorry," he forces the words out. She examines him, his shoulders tensing. He's not good with apologizing or words for that matter but she knows he cares.

Rey touches his hand then, interlocking his fingers with hers. "Take off your mask," she ordered. She stares at it, the hand she was holding. She was holding the hand that was chopped off months ago by his mother. With gloves on, you couldn't tell which one was the real hand or the fake hand but Rey knew. She knew his body well. She knew every scar and edge, she knew everything about his body.

He obeys without any refusal. He wants to see her with his own eyes and not with the mask that clouded his judgement. There's no expression on his face - he's good at it while she's not. A small smile was developing in Rey. Kylo smirked then and kisses the corner of her mouth. "I love you," he says. Declares. Breathes.

Rey swallowed her pride and kisses him harder. What is love? She wonders. She doesn't know what it is but she knows it was simpler than this, that it was easier. She knows that real love isn't this sick or twisted but he's the only one that's ever said it to her, that ever did love her. Her body's shaking again while her senses are telling her something else.

This was painful. Heartbreaking. They'll never end up together - this, this was just borrowed time.

"Don't hurt me," she shut her eyes, trying to stop herself from trembling. She only says three words but he knows what she means. She was saying: _If you hurt me, I'll hurt you back. I'll hurt you three times as much._ He's on top of her, nuzzling her neck. She should be disgusted with him but she's not. She enjoys this. She enjoys him.

"I won't hurt you anymore," he promises.

They both know he's lying.

* * *

She watches as he puts his clothes on in the dark. She's laying in her bed, covered in nothing but the covers. Her clothes are scattered all over the floor but she stays there, in the bed.

He always leaves after they have sex. He always leaves immediately, not allowing her to take him in or feeling anything.

They were living on borrowed time. They can't love each other, they're not supposed to. There was nothing for them if they're together.

"Whatever happens," he begins, not bothering to look at her. "If you're imprisoned or if I'm imprisoned, we'll always have visitation hours."

Rey shuddered from his words - that he still expects that things will still stay the same with them. This can't go on forever, she wants to tell him but she doesn't. "But what if one of us gets killed?" What if you kill me? What if I kill you?

Kylo turned at her and locked his eyes onto hers. "We both know that we won't let it happen."

* * *

 _to be continued?_


	2. Future

Future Glimpse

* * *

He's kept in a prison. It's small but it's dignified, it's nice and clean and there's a movable screen for privacy. General Organa didn't have the heart to kill him and so he's kept here for the rest of his days. She tries to talk to him but he doesn't say a word. She tries to make him see there's hope for him but he rather be like this instead of betraying his oath.

The war was over but he stays here instead of changing.

He doesn't want to change.

Ren knew that no one will ever accept him - that things can't go back to when he was Ben Solo, and deep inside Leia knew it. He turned his back on the Resistance, his family, his father.

The war was over but no one ever forgets.

Reminders are everywhere from the once lively places, to new scars and wounds, and the people that are gone.

He's been here for three months now and he hasn't seen her at all, Rey.

She's been avoiding him since their final battle and he knows it.

They promised each other that whatever happened, they'll visit each other. It was a foolish promise and thought but he hopes. He still hopes for her to visit - just to see her face again - that was all he wanted. Ren wanted to know how she was and if she was fine - if she missed him. He misses her, more than the severed ties to his family. He misses her the most - misses crawling through her window to rest his head on her - to press himself against her skin.

She was the only person that's ever let him in - that ever accepted him.

She knew him, Kylo Ren and not the person he once was.

* * *

She's been avoiding him but he knew when she was in the base. He sensed her presence every time, her footsteps, her breathing. But each time she's here, she'll never visit him.

"I know you're here," he says out loud sensing her presence. He can't see her but he can sense her, with a couple of people with her.

The others can't hear him but he knows that she can still hear him. They were connected, severed into pulses.

He was sitting on the floor, staring blankly at nothing. He was attempting to visualize her, to figure where she was exactly in the base. His senses, they've grown even stronger in isolation. "Why don't you come in and visit?" he gritted his teeth.

It's been eight months in total and she hasn't visit him at all. He keeps the day count by marking the walls.

Ren was losing his mind.

He gets more contact from his mother, Chewie, and the hourly guards than her.

He wants to see her - he wants to break out and see her. He could if he wanted to. He could break out but there was no point. There was nothing out there for him except her and she didn't want to see him.

"Come out," he raised his voice, his jaw twitching. "Why don't you visit?" It infuriates him that if the First Order had won, he would have visited her regularly.

His skin tightened - he feels it, her going farther and farther away. She was leaving and then...she was gone.

* * *

"You miss her, don't you?" his normal visitor asks. Leia. General Organa. Mother. She visits him once a week. She will try to initiate a conversation but he'll never respond.

He remained quiet, flipping mindlessly through the books that were given to him to pass the time.

"She'll come eventually," Leia said, rubbing her worn out eyes.

Kylo froze in place as his heart began to beat wildly. "How much do you know?" he asks, looking up at her. He doesn't remember the last time he's ever looked his mother in the eye. She looks old now, the brown in her hair was almost gone, taken by the intensity of silver.

Leia blinked. This was the first time that he spoke to her since his imprisonment. She cleared her throat and proceeded to speak as if she was talking to another member. "A little but it's enough for me to put everything together," she said dryly. "You wait for her," she lamented, sighing. It was sad. Pitiful. "You wait for her the way I wait for your father."

His skin tightened. Just the mention of him, made Ren sick to his stomach. All this time he's been trying to forget about Han and just like that, his father was on his mind again.

"I know you miss him too. No matter what you say, you'll always miss him," Leia said indifferently. She stood up from the cot and made her way to the exit.

Ren sat there still and proceeded to look through the books. "And that's my punishment for the rest of my life," he murmured out loud.

His father will always be on his mind.

* * *

When Rey finally visits him, it's two months later. She standing there, with a purple cloak and her hair down. She was wearing a white dress underneath he could tell by the white skirt passing the cloak by an inch or so. Instead of being happy to see her, he's resentful.

"Why are you here?" he asks bitterly, barely looking at her. It's almost a year since he had last saw her. "Why -

He paused and blinked. He sensed something, another presence. "What is that?" he asks, his eyes locking on to the purple cloak.

Rey exhaled and frowned. Calmly she pushed her cloak aside to reveal that she was holding a baby. A baby. She was holding a baby.

Ren stood up immediately and stared in shock. The baby was small, a few days or so, with tufts of brown hair. "Is that?"

"Yeah," she sighed. "This is your son."


	3. Illegitimate Child

His eyes locked on to the child - his child. The truth startles him instead of pleases him. It's his child alright, there's remnants of his features in the child. A frown developed on his face but it doesn't surprise her. She expected him to act exactly like this, reluctant and detached.

Instinctively, Rey held her baby closer to her. Her baby was sleeping soundly- she was still having trouble referring her baby as 'their's'.

"I would have known," he commented in a cold manner. "I would have sensed something within the nine months -

Kylo stopped himself and pieced every bit of evidence. Every time he sensed her, she was with a group of people. She was always surrounded by people purposely so he wouldn't sense the heartbeat of the child and she was kept away from him until now.

"I see how it is," he gritted his teeth.

"You're mad," she rolled her eyes, unable to hide her annoyance. "I didn't really have a choice." She was given orders not to be around him during her pregnancy to ensure that the child was safe.

"That's never stopped you before," he said coldly.

"I was a little scared," she bit her lower lip. She didn't want to let him know but he deserved that at least. "About how you would react."

His eyes lowered to the baby and how her protective she was. Her fingers were wrapped around the baby in a loving and maternal way - he'd never seen that side of her before. "I wouldn't hurt the child if that's what you're insinuating."

Rey was about to mention Han but she kept her mouth closed. She doesn't want to bring it up especially with his temper of his. "They didn't want me to even bring our son here," she exhaled. Rey winced from her own words, 'our son.' She had a child with him, Kylo Ren. She had a child with her enemy and everyone knew now. They look at her with different eyes and whisper things when she's not around. There was nothing she could do to go back. "I had to convince them - you deserve to see your child at least." It would have been wrong for Kylo to never know about his child. No matter what he did, he was still the father of their child. He was still the torn and angry boy that periodically climbed through her window to see her and love her.

"What is his name?" he asked then, unable to hide his grown interest. He took a step closer and slowly moved his hand to his child's head. The baby was small and fragile with tufts of brown hair.

She winced. "Ben," she said, swallowing the lump in her throat. She was conflicted if she should go with the name but it seemed fitting. She wanted to name their child in his honor at least. Kylo deserved that at least.

He blinked. "Ben?"

Rey nodded. "Yeah. Ben." She named their baby after his birth name.

"Why?"

"It felt right and he looks like a Ben" she replied calmly. She held baby Ben tighter as she examined Kylo. How was Kylo feeling? Was he happy? Does he accept his own child - his own flesh and blood? Even though they slept together she was still defensive with her child. She witnessed Kylo kill his own father and she wasn't going to let anything happen to her son.

"I won't hurt him," Ben's eyes bored into hers.

His words had no affect on her. "Are you happy?" she asked instead.

"It's quite sudden. I don't know what to feel."

"You should be happy," she bit every word out.

"What's to be happy about?"

She rolled her eyes. He was so cynical. "Well I'm happy," she nearly yelled at him. Baby Ben woke up then and began to cry. She swayed her child back and forth, humming him to sleep.

"What's to be happy about?" he asked, his voice lingering on to her. He sat on the ground and focused on everything else but the child. "The child was conceived illegitimately. He's a bastard. You had a child with me and you shouldn't have."

"Well I wasn't alone with conceiving," she said sharply. Rey walked around, soothing her child as she was attempting to hold her temper. Kylo put all the blame on her and worse called her child a bastard. It was true though but it was heartless and cruel for him to refer his own child as that. Rey wanted to hit Kylo - to scream some sense into him. No matter what, Kylo was her child's father and her child deserved to have a father.

Kylo watched her walked around with an indifferent expression on her face. "I'm quite aware but you could have abort the child."

"I know but I didn't want to," she snapped. To her, there was nothing wrong with not wanting to keep a baby or go through a pregnancy. Women were entitled to having a choice but personally, Rey wanted to keep the baby.

He exhaled and locked his eyes on her. He remained on the ground and looked at her the way he always did, a look that he was unworthy to even be near her. "The child will have a difficult life," he breathed. "He will grow up without a father that's always around. He won't have a normal life," Kylo frowned. His body was shaking from just picturing what will come for the boy. "He will be looked down upon by society and people his whole life. He will live with the pressure of doing good and the fear that he'll end up exactly like me." There's sorrow and anguish in his voice - he was worried. Paternal instincts were surfacing in him.

"I know," Rey breathed. Her eyes were burning but she didn't let herself cry. She already knew about the consequences, of what will to come for their child. Their child will be isolated. Lonely. Their child will grow up without an ideal household and be torn with the light and darkness. "But he is good. I feel it in him and in time people will see it."

"I know you want me to be happy but I can't. Because of me, he's going to have a difficult life."

"Well nothing in life is ever easy," she countered. Rey sat down in front of him. She held the baby in one hand while the other urged Kylo to open his arms.

He was reluctant to but he does for her. He senses it, her hope for him. Carefully she placed her baby into his arms. Kylo became still at the sight of the child in his arms. The child was so small, so innocent. Within seconds Ben began to cry.

Rey's stomach churned. Kylo was frightened, confused, and lost. He feels something for their baby but he was afraid to and she knew it. "I know that you're going to be here for the rest of your life," she whispered. "I know that Ben will never have a perfect family but - I just want you to be here for him," tears were streaming down her face. "If you want," she added. Stammered. His voice was breaking. "If you want to be part of his life - I'll visit you once a week with him for the rest of our lives."

Kylo blinked. He didn't give her eye contact, his focus was completely on the baby. He was holding the baby stiffly - not even embracing the baby. He kept a distance between himself and the child. Ben was crying in his hold and he wasn't quieting down one bit. Kylo frowned. "I don't think I can," he frowned, swallowing the lump in his throat. "I don't know how to be a father."

"You will learn -

He handed the baby quickly to her. He shook his head frantically and stared at his hands. "I can-'t. I will hurt him. I killed my own father - I'm capable of doing horrible things -

"Kylo -

"Rey, I don't know how to be a good son, let alone be a father!" he screamed at her. Ben cried even louder in fear. "I'm doing this for his own good. I will let him down - I know I will and I don't want to that -

She touched Kylo's cheek. "Do you remember what we promised each other?" she whispered. "That whatever happens, we'll always visit each other."

"Don't use this against -

"Well I'll always visit you," she said firmly. "I know you're scared of yourself but I'm not. There's still good in you." She held her baby tightly as she grabbed Kylo's hand to touch Ben's cheek - to let them connect. Ben blinked in silence and so did Kylo. "He needs you and you need him."

"What if he doesn't like me?"

"He will love you."

* * *

to be continued


	4. Threat

"You shouldn't be bringing your child to him," Poe muttered in discontent. There's bitterness on his tongue, slight resentment towards the situation.

Rey shrugged off her friend's warning as she gently wrapped a blanket around baby Ben. She was unaffected. Everyone was either angered by her decision or disturbed. "He is the father though," she reminded him indifferently.

"Yes but he is dangerous," he reminded her.

"There's still good in him," General Organa intervened the conversation. She eyed Poe, mentally telling him to stay in his place.

Poe quickly closed his mouth and forced himself to nod. He was loyal to the Resistance - the General - but this, this was out of hand. "You're for this? Allowing her to endanger the child? Your grandchild?"

"Rey's completely capable of protecting the child," General Organa said with a formal tongue. A strong posture. "She is a mother after all."

Rey suppressed a smile. She clung to her child and proceeded off to visit him, the man that fathered her child.

* * *

"He's getting big," Kylo mumbled in annoyance and curiosity. They're sitting on the ground of his cell, he's crouched behind her, watching her as she breastfeed baby Ben. She has a shawl over herself but from his view, he could see just a bit.

"He's growing," she howled with laughter. "He's not going to be a baby forever."

He frowned as he eyed his child poke his head out. Baby Ben is only two months but this was just the beginning. "I was afraid of that."

She turned to Kylo. "Why?" she raised her eyebrow.

"Nothing," he said in a harsh tone.

"It's not nothing," she said sharply. Once baby Ben was done eating Rey adjusted her clothes. She held her baby up and attempted to burp him. "What's wrong?"

"You already know," Kylo glared. He began to grit his teeth but he noticed something - her breasts are still full. Bits of milk was leaking through her shirt. Without a thought, he grazed his hand on her breasts and attempted to wipe them.

Rey went pale, her body stiffening.

He senses her discomfort and so he moves his hand to her hair without any effort. He touched his baby's head as well with the other hand but it's different. He touches her hair with adoration while with his own son, Rey senses quite the opposite. There's a hint of fondness but the rest was consumed by fear and guilt and resentment towards himself. "We'll never be the family that you wanted," his voice lowered.

Rey became quiet.

He moved his hand away from the baby but kept his other hand still on her hair. "I want you to know that. This illusion you have, this hope - it'll never come true," he said cruelly without any remorse. She doesn't say anything and it triggers something in him - anger. She's in denial, lost in her own little world. "This baby was conceived illegitimately. This baby was unintentional. Don't tell yourself that our son was conceived out of love."

"Stop it!" she shouted, keeping a firm grasp on her baby. She shook Kylo off of her hair. She doesn't want him to lay a finger on her. "Don't talk about our son like -

"I will stop once you tell me that we can never be the family you want," he said firmly.

She knows the truth but she's too stubborn to admit it. Her pride won't let her and instead she gives him a scowl.

Kylo's eyebrows furrowed. He bit on his lip hard. "Rey," he raised his voice.

She doesn't say anything still.

"Rey," he says again, unable to suppress his impatience. "Tell me now or I'll tell you the things you don't want to hear," he threatened.

"No," she spat out at him. She was trembling - she doesn't want to hear him call their child a bastard again - she doesn't want to hear that Kylo will let him down - she doesn't. She's tired of hearing it from everyone.

He grabbed her by the chin. "Rey," his voice went hard. "Rey look at me - REY I SAY LOOK AT ME."

"Do you love our son?" she whispered. Her eyes lowered to the sleeping baby. Baby Ben so innocent, so precious. He was brought into this world, by them. He deserved a perfect life but it'll never happen.

Kylo's eyes flickered several times. "Of course I do," he whispered. He moved his hand away from her and stared at their baby.

"Then why are you pushing from feeling anything for him?"

"Because I'm going to let him down."

"You won't. I won't let you," she let out a small laugh. If Kylo did, she would tear him limb from limb.

Kylo smirked at her. "I'm not good with this."

"Well I'm not good at this either -

"No, you're a good mother," he lamented. He leaned and kissed her on the forehead - she doesn't remember the last time he kissed her.

"I know that we'll never be the perfect family - I just want you to love him."

* * *

 **The Next Morning**

"He's gone," a guard said slowly to General Organa.

"What do you mean gone?"

"He's not in his cell - he's gone."

* * *

to be continued?


	5. Afraid

It was raining tonight, a vicious storm - with unwavering lightning and thunder. Rey was carrying baby Ben all around the house, attempting to soothe him but like the thunder, his cries were strong, unaffected.

Lights were flickering about without warning, without pattern or repetition.

A wise mother would have picked up the signs of doom but she had been only a mother for a little bit and she was still a child herself. Deep inside, Rey was terrified of the the storm but she doesn't say it, doesn't express it or even show it.

He's here, Kylo Ren. But she doesn't notice him - doesn't even sense his presence.

"You're slipping," he comments in a low murmur.

Rey quickly turned around - he's here. He's drenched from the rain, his clothes clinging to his skin, and his hair was to his eyes. "Kylo," she breathes. She didn't hear him come in - she didn't even sense him.

"You used to sense me before my fingers touched your window," he remarked in a low voice. His eyes focused on the crying child - his child. "Your toes would curl when you heard me come in," he lets out a bittersweet chuckle.

Blood pumped to her cheeks at the sight of lips curving into a smirk. "My connection's been a bit tainted since the pregnancy," she admitted. It was painful to pass by his cell and not go in when she was pregnant and she realized then that it affected her more than emotionally. "H-" she paused and her eyes widened. "You're here - why are you here?"

"I escaped," he responded indifferently.

"You shouldn't be here -

Kylo ignored her and hunched slightly to stroke his child's head. He became fixated on the child and the feelings were 're both afraid of each other and yet interested in one another. Baby Ben focused on him and became calm. "We don't have much time," he calls out to her, his eyes still locked onto his son.

* * *

Rey manages to put baby Ben to sleep within a few minutes.

"What are you doing here?" she asks him in a demanding tone the moment they are alone. It's just them while Ben was deep asleep in the other room.

"What other reason is there?" he scoffs. Kylo paused and cleared his throat. He doesn't want to fight with her - that's the last thing he wanted to do. He swallowed hard and attempted to look sympathetic. "I just wanted to see you."

"They're looking for you now. You're at -

"I know," he finishes. He puts his cold hand on her cheek and leaned to kiss her. "In my cell I can't even kiss you - I need to have one last time," a growl escapes him. He sounds pathetic, sounds needy and starved but Rey doesn't blame him. They had been away for so long and when they were together they didn't kiss. They couldn't - he was constantly monitored. They couldn't kiss let alone to do anything else for that matter.

Kylo kisses her again, kisses her cheeks first. His hair and clothes were still drenched, dampening her clothes. He cups her chin and kisses her gently all over her face, coaxing her to him. "I just want you," he whispered.

Rey pulled away and looked at him. His eyes were full of sadness and pain - he wants her - craves her. This was the man she should feel disgust towards but she doesn't. When she was around him she felt the most loved. She remained quiet but runs her fingers through his knotted wet hair and exhaled deeply. Her chest was tightening and her whole body was constricting. She should be frightened and resentful towards herself but she doesn't. She feels exhilarated. Happy.

It feels like months ago, before their baby, before the war was over. It feels the same with him - the boy that constantly crawled through her window and took her. It feels all the same. Nothing's change. Same adrenaline running through their systems, same feelings running wild and burning like fire.

In a haste, they pull at each others clothes. She pulls at each drenched layer of clothing and kisses his cold skin as he ran his hand all over her body with the other hand touching her cheek.

"I always fall for it," she laughs as he lays her to the ground. They're naked and he's on top of her, running his hand up and down her leg.

"Fall for what?"

"You're tactic to get me to sleep with you," she laughs again. It was bittersweet this time, her laughter. "You make me feel sorry for you and you beg for me - you look at me like that. I know I shouldn't fall for it but I do, every time."

Kylo smirked at her and quickly pressed a wet kiss on her neck. He pulls away and stares at her, taking her features in. He adored her, lusted after her. "I could look at you for hours," he breathes. There's a darkness in his voice, a heaviness in his breathing.

Her heart skipped a beat. "You have," she blinked slowly. Rey's a bit stunned that he hasn't put himself inside of her yet. She expected him to be a rush to do so but he isn't. He was taking his time looking at her, kissing her. He didn't want only her body, he wanted everything. The months while she was away, he thought about holding her and kissing her.

He nodded and chuckled. "Every time I look at you, I count every freckle of yours to make sure I counted right." Thirty eight. She had thirty eight freckles on her face. That's what he did when he first saw her.

"I know you do," she laughs and gives him a smile. He's a bit obsessive but Rey, she doesn't even notice. She's never had any affection, any love -until he came into her life. Everyone left her while Kylo, he stays, refuses to ever leave.

* * *

He's inside of her, thrusting into her slowly. He's taking his time, gradually speeding his pace. Her legs are wrapped tightly around his waist while her hands were interlocked with his. "Do you remember the first time I slept with you?" he asks, his voice becoming hoarse.

"Yes."

"You weren't afraid," he said perplexed.

"I wasn't afraid," her voice was like an echo.

"I took your virginity and you weren't afraid. Why weren't you?" His heart stopped beating for a moment. He remembers it, his fear when it happened. It was mutual - they both wanted it but even to this day he wondered.

"Because I wanted you to," she said firmly. Rey didn't regret it all.

"And I slept with you the next night and the night after that. I kept crawling through your window and yet you weren't afraid," he blinked. He held her tightly, quickening his pace.

"Were you afraid?"

"No. I was only concerned. You didn't cry in pain. You didn't beg me to be gentle - you didn't even cry out in pain the first time. Why didn't you?"

"I didn't think it would lead to anything else - to this." She didn't expect that they would become attached and develop feelings for one another. "I thought it was a one time thing."

He snickered. "I slept with you a couple of times within a few days."

Rey shrugged. "But I didn't think it would lead to anything." Rey wasn't the kind of person to think much about sex. She didn't think of it as a romantic thing due to where she grew up. Sex was only physical. There wasn't anything special about it. The first time, Rey was relaxed and so her first time didn't hurt as much because of it. It was painful still but Rey was too proud to say anything to him when it happened. "Were you afraid?" she asks again, sensing something in him.

"I wasn't afraid with sleeping with you. Holding you after it - laying beside you - I was afraid."

"Why were you?"

"Because it made this real - the feelings I had for you."


	6. Clean

Clean

* * *

"It's still raining," he observes in a hushed tone.

Rey remained on her back and gave him a faint sound. She was naked still for it was moments after they finished together. She turned her head and examined him. He's only wearing his pants, standing there quietly, looking through the curtains in wonder and awe. His dark eyes are locked on to the rain - to the ferocity of it. He looks so much of a boy with that look of complete fascination on his face and posture. "It's going to be over soon," she whispered.

He turned to her and raised his eyebrow. "How can you tell?"

"I'm not talking about the rain."

"Oh." The spark in his eyes died out all at once.

She remained on her back still. "I don't want it to be over."

"But?" he asked hoarsely. He sat down on the bed and looked down on her.

She wants to look away but she can't. His eyes are on her and her body wasn't allowing her to move. Her body wanted her to stay still. "I'm afraid," she admitted. It burns her throat to admit it. "I'm afraid what will happen to Ben if you stay," she whispered as her whole body began to constrict. It hurts to even think about it. She doesn't want anything to happen to her baby.

Kylo winced but nodded. "I understand." He did. He understood and knew it was the right thing to do but why did it hurt him so? To hear her say she wanted him gone? To find out she doesn't want to risk everything for him.

"I'm sorry," she bit her lip.

He broke apart then, falling apart to her shoulder. He buried his face into her. There's no tears in his eyes - he's using all his strength not show her any weakness.

Her eyes were welling up and she quickly rubbed her face against him. "Thank you,"she whispered to him. "Thank you." That was all she could say. Thank you for letting me go - for letting go of your impossible dream of us ever being a family. "I love you," she breathed, tears running down her eyes.

He doesn't cry to her declaration of affection for him. But he's pleased to hear it but also disheartened.

It rained harder then. It was pouring.

"Thank you for putting Ben's safety and needs first. I know you think you could never be a good father to him but you just put him first. You put him first. You're not perfect but you're a good father to him."

Kylo sobbed into her shoulder then.

* * *

He held her for hours until she was asleep.

It was still raining - it never rained so much before. It was raining but it wasn't as bad as earlier. It wasn't terrifying anymore, it was soothing, pattering in a rhythm.

Kylo was about to leave but he hears baby Ben crying in hunger. Immediately Kylo rushed to the infant and scooped him up into his arms.

 ** _Rain came pouring down._**

He blinked. It was so strange to hold something so small - so fragile. He attempted to rock the child back and forth by swaying in slow motions. Baby Ben still cried. Kylo groaned and became distressed. He knew he wasn't holding the child right but he didn't know how. Every time he tried, he always held the baby awkwardly. Kylo had long arms and big hands and this child was Rey sized.

Carefully, he held on to baby and took him to Rey. "Rey," he called out for her.

She's dead asleep.

"Rey," he called out again.

She wakes up this time, in an alarmed mater. "What's going on-

"He's hungry."

She exhaled and waited for her heart to stop beating so fast. Without any words she quickly put on a night dress and put baby Ben in her arms. He lets her feed his child before speaking. Once baby Ben was full, Rey put him back into his crib.

Kylo lingered on to them, on to the image he had created. He had made Rey fall in love with him. He had made a child with her. And he had made her a mother. "Will you be okay being alone?" Kylo asks in a low voice.

She swallowed hard and forced herself to lock her gaze on him. "Yes," she said firmly, managing to appear calm.

He wanted to kiss her but he doesn't. It would complicate things too much, make things much harder. He nodded and walked to the window. He opened up the window and crawled out into the rain.

"Kylo!" she calls out for him.

He goes back inside in an instant. "Yes?" he asks, adrenaline pumping into his veins. His hair and clothes are drenched completely from the few seconds he was out.

She doesn't answer.

"What is it?" he asks again.

 ** _Rain came pouring down when I was drowning._**

"Kiss me," her face was flushed.

He runs towards her without a second thought and kisses her for the last time. She expected him to kiss her like a starving man but he doesn't. He kisses her slowly and softly. The gentleness startles her. He pulls away gradually, letting his touch linger on to her. His eyes flickered at her. "Goodbye," there was no emotion in his voice but he was trembling.

"Goodbye."

He gave her a nod and goes through the window. He waves her a farewell and it makes her remember the first time he crawled through her window. _She was angry when she saw him - she fought him - she hurt him and somehow they ended up locking lips. It led more than that - he slept with her that night and she was willing but stubborn in her own way. He fucked her, fucked her in her bed that was once his. She was quiet when he did it, used all her will to be quiet and once he was done she threatened for him to leave and never come back. He didn't refuse, instead he left - left through the window that he entered. It was a haunting image to see - to see him go out the window and pause to stare at her with those eyes of his. His eyes were of fleeting moments, broken connections. At that time she believed that he would never come back after that but he did come_ back.

She waves him a farewell and just like that, he's gone.

She doesn't believe it though.

She doesn't know where he's going but she doesn't believe it.

He's never gone - no matter how many times he threatened to stop visiting her.

Rey ran to the window but he's already gone. Her heart stopped beating. It's really heartbreaking, how both don't know what they want and how much they say empty lies. She shook her head and closed the window. It's cold and windy to top off the horrible rain and the last thing she needed was a went back to her son's crib and transferred her son to her bed. Rey needed comfort. She made a little barrier for protection for baby Ben and then went to sleep.

When she woke up the next morning, it's to baby Ben's crying. Instinctively, Rey tended to her child. She changed his diaper, fed him, and then bathed him. Now she was walking around her whole home with Baby Ben in her arms, scanning the area but it was just them. Kylo was gone. There was no trace of him.

 ** _Rain came pouring down when I was drowning. That's when I could finally breathe._**

 ** _And by morning gone was any trace of you._**

 ** _I think I'm finally clean._**

* * *

 **A/n: end.**

 **possible epilogue?**


	7. Benji

**A/n: super belated epilogue sorry. But I hope you guys enjoy. And yes there was a Taylor Swift reference previous chapter.**

* * *

There was a knock on her door. Rey held her baby closer to her before tending to it. "Finn?" she blinked. He was standing there, heaving and out of breath. It looked like he ran the whole galaxy to see her. "What's wrong?"

"Kylo returned this morning."

Her heart skipped a beat. She sucked in some air and tried to remain calm. "Was he captured -

"No! It's the strangest thing, he just came back. He turned himself in."

Her eyebrows furrowed. She didn't say anything. She was stunned for last felt like he was gone forever.

"You have to come with me. General Leia wants to speak with you. Something's not adding up. He escaped but he decided to come back. He's planning something, Rey."

She nodded until she looked down at her baby. "How about my baby? I don't have anyone to watch him today. Do I bring him with me or -

Finn scratched his head. "Uh. I didn't think this through...um we'll bring him. We'll have some guard or diplomat watch him or something."

"What are they going to do with him?"

"Nothing they'll take very good care of him Rey -

"I'm not talking about the baby."

Finn winced and frowned at her feebly. "I don't know. As of right now, they're investigating him."

* * *

Rey wanted to go inside his cell but she wasn't permitted to. General Leia was speaking with her son and all the guards and Finn, Poe, and her had to stay outside. The cell had a one way screen, they were able to look through. Leia was interrogating her son and because of this they were able to hear the conversation. The guard raised the volume for all to hear outside of the cell.

On other days, Kylo was given certain hours of privacy, hours where the cell was covered and muted but not right now. He was interrogated, he wasn't given any form of freedom.

"I want to see my son," Kylo said, interrupting his mother from all the false formalities. He was sitting on the ground, his hair disheveled and his eyes worn from the long night he had shared with Rey. There is a sternness in his tone and also, wariness.

General Leia remained expressionless. She examined him and searched for his intentions but she found nothing but a worn out man that desperately wanted to see his child. She knows that look and knows that tone, it was the one that Han gave her whenever he came back and yearned to see his child. "Very well," she said. She turned and faced the screen, gesturing for someone to bring her grandson in.

Poe stood up taller and frowned. He turned to Rey and placed a hand over her. "Should you really bring Ben inside?" he asked.

"It's General's orders," Rey said firmly. For once in her life, she didn't feel skeptical. The old her, her before the war ended would have been defensive but things are different now. Kylo was the father of her child and beyond her control, he had gained her trust from it. Her heart was beating warmly from the sound of Kylo's voice. _I want to see my son,_ those words were sweet on her skin, poetry almost. For a majority of her baby's existence, Kylo seemed to push him away but now he wanted his son.

A guard intervened. "I'll bring him inside," the guard said gently, with open hands.

Rey bit her lip. She wanted to see him but she knew that they weren't going to let her. She nodded and handed her child to the guard.

She pressed herself to the cell, to the screen and watched intently as the child was brought to Kylo. This was the first time she wasn't in the same room when Kylo was with their baby. She feels terrified but then she sees his eyes light up to the presence of the child - gentle hands taking her child into his arms. He was stiff with holding the child, frightened at the small bundle of life but then, she sees a small smile develop on his face.

She marveled at the sight of this giant powerful man melt from the small life.

Leia observed Kylo and stared at the smile on his face. Bonding, her son was bonding with his child. "Benji looks exactly like you," she comments lightly. It was like witnessing a ghost, her estranged husband's ghost holding their child for the first time.

"Benji?" he blinked at the nickname. "I like it."

Leia nodded. "I needed some way to let others know which Ben I was talking about."

Kylo rocked Benji back and forth, his hand stroking the tuffs of hair. "I'm not a threat if that's what you're worried about." He doesn't even turn to general direction of his mother. "I left but I came back."

"Why did you come back?" she frowned. She hovered close to them in awe and fascination but there was pain in her. She felt pain for her child and her grandchild and the life that was given to them. Her grandchild will grow up with a father in a cell and her son will never experience what it was like to be a full time parent.

Kylo turned to his mother. "Does it matter?"

"Yes. First with that our cells aren't full proof and that you might be plotting something for all I know."

He rolled his eyes but then he softened once more at Benji. Benji was still asleep but was tossing in his hold. "This child came from unfavorable circumstances, he deserves more."

Rey couldn't help but to smile.

"If I would have known what events would come I would never climb through the room of the scavenger girl." There is a smirk on his face but it calms Rey for she knows he was only taunting her. Teasing.

"Don't tell me about your private affairs," Leia scrunched up her nose in disgust at the mental image.

"I'm not a threat to the Resistance," he stated then. "There is nothing I can do. There's no will or desire in me to do anything else but be here for what is mine."

"What is yours?"

Rey held her breath, her fingers pressing along the one way screen.

"My son and the girl standing outside of my cell."

Rey shut her eyes to sense his presence clinging on to hers. She remembers the first encounter she had with him, how afraid she was. She was certain this man was a monster who knew nothing else but coldness. She forgets that he is a man sometimes, a man that knows how to speak to her heart.

Leia nodded. "I knew this place was too easy for you. You're ust like your father," she sighed. "Whatever place he's locked up at, he always manages to escape. The thing that bothers me is that why didn't you escape sooner. Not that I'm saying you should but I'm saying why did you wait?"

Kylo frowned and swallowed hard. "She is my prison. She is my cell. She is my sentence. No physical thing can overpower that, not even the confinements of this room. No strength in me can break the power she has over me."

Her heart skipped frantically. He senses her she knew for he was staring at the wall.

"I'll stay here for an eternity and comply to every command General as long as if you let me have more time with her."

"I will have to look through your request along with the council. I cannot make any promises," General Leia said sternly.

"I understand. Thank you, General."

* * *

Rey remembers clearly on the second night he came through her window. It was the night after he first slept with her. She was in her bed, nowhere fast asleep. She was wide awake, still from what had happened the night before.

 _She hears him come through, she should get up and fight but she doesn't. She doesn't want to show any weakness he had made her feel. Instead, she remains still, quieter than ever. She hears the sound of his heavy foot steps, the swishing of his cape._

 _She shuts her eyes in horror of the man that had her way with her. Consensual as it may be, she was sick of herself and horrified that she let him be inside of her. He did things to her that no one had ever done. She wished she never wanted it. She wished he took over so she can feel hatred towards him and not herself. "Have you returned to claim your prize?" she mocked._

 _"You're hardly a gift," he responds without a second thought. He stood there by her bed and gazed at her through that mask of his. "Are you in pain?" he asks then._

 _Rey raised her eyebrow in confusion. Was he worried about her? Was he here to check up on her? "Are you concerned about my well being?" she combatted then._

 _"No."_

 _She sat up then. "Then why are you here?" she asks, glaring at him. "Are you here to taunt me because I showed a period of weakness to you, my enemy? That I granted you the permission to touch me?"_

 _"You were bleeding a lot last night. I want to see if the bleeding had stopped."_

 _Her face went red then from memory of him pulling out and placing a warm cloth to stop the bleeding. It was almost kind. Almost. "That is none of your concern," she responded._ _But he comes closer to her, makes a place for himself on her bed, on the bed that was once his on Master Skywalker's island. His hand crept along her thigh, pulling at her pants._ _"What are you doing?" she screamed but he covered her mouth with his hand._

 _"I need to see for myself," he ordered. "I don't trust you."_

 _"Why do care if I'm bleeding?" she snapped back. Don't. She wanted to say. Don't say anything else._

 _"I don't want you to get an infection. Knowing how closed off you are, you probably didn't go to a doctor to get yourself checked up from last night."_

 _"I stopped bleeding - now get your hands off of me." She pushed him away but he refuses to move. "You shouldn't care anyways. Get away from me. We're not anything. We're enemies."_

 _He pulls away at her pants and underwear. He props himself down and inspects her there. The bleeding had stopped, looked just the same as the night before except her folds were swollen and were slightly parted more. This was evidence that he was there, had made his way into her. "Did you wash yourself down there this morning?"_

 _"Of course I did, I'm not as uncivilized as you think. And do you honestly believe that, that I'm the one who's closed off?" she laughed. "Come now."_

 _He didn't say a word._

 _"Besides I just bled. It's natural. It wasn't like it came from a gnash or cut anything."_

 _"Not to the extent that you were bleeding. I had to use two cloths for the bleeding to stop. It looked like I slashed your vessels open."_

 _Rey shrugged. "You already know I'm not the most healthy anyways." Growing up she struggled to get meals. Rey didn't even get her period until last year, when she was seventeen since she didn't have enough fat to begin with. Hell, she just started getting a normal cycle a few months ago. She isn't surprise about what happened the night before. "Besides, you shouldn't care. You shouldn't even be here."_

 _"I can do whatever I want," his voice is hard._

 _"And what do you want?" she countered, raising her eyebrow as she gritted her teeth._

 _He unlatches himself from his mask then, revealing that shiny scar to her. His eyelids are heavy, his eyelashes casting a shadow along his cheekbones. Without words, he tossed his mask and gloves aside. Fingers latched around her loose hair, he positioned himself in between her legs once more._

 _She was frozen but she lets him._

 _"Has anyone ever touched you before?"_

 _"No," she says, watching his lips curve into a satisfied smirk. It doesn't bother her, not at all. For deep inside, as much as she hated to admit herself, she liked that smile of his. That possessive, cunning smile. "Apparently I only let monsters touch me."_

* * *

Rey lets herself into the cage, enters as if it was a beginning of a dance. Slow, light, and step by step. Their child still in his arms. She is careful, quiet for she does not want them to be startled. "You -

"Yes," he said, ending her sentence. He senses that they were being monitored now and he doesn't want anyone to know that he went to visit her last night. Kylo didn't want to know what will happen to Rey if they did find out. "I couldn't leave you two behind." He taps his hand on the ground, gesturing for her to take the baby from him.

She obeys and finds herself being wrapped around in arms as she held their baby. He held her tight from behind, transfixed by the way she tended Benji. "Did you cry when you found out you were pregnant?" he asks then.

"For days," she admitted. "I didn't want to be pregnant. I found out shortly after the war was over." She remembers it, being so crestfallen that her body was carrying a part of him. And that part of him was forming with hers.

"I love our child but sometimes I wish he wasn't mine."

She tilted her chin and looked up.

"I always imagined when things ended in your favor, you would have been with a man that could give you everything."

She pictures it, the image Kylo had in his twisted mind. In his mind, he would have been content if she was married to a kind man and raising children as she worked alongside with Master Skywalker. Kylo would have been happier if she found someone else that suited her. But Rey didn't want that. She had never been close to anyone besides him. She was close to many people but she was never intimate except with him. "You already know that I don't like being taken care of," she answered. She lets him rest his chin on her head then.

"The council will give us an answer the next week," she says as she kissed her baby.

"What did you ask?"

"That your cell be relocated into my home."

* * *

 **a/n: end?**

 **Might add another chapter if you guys request it/want to see any flashbacks happen**


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